How wonder came into my life
I would say that behind every child lies a story. In out case, instead of an ultrasound there was an email, a photo. You can become a mother in another way, is it not? I'll go back with the story to create a complete picture for the history following. How have I learned that I will become a mother? We wanted a child for more than 10 years... I've lost their exact count. After two miscarriages and endless roads to physicians and laboratories, after disappointment and disappointment, acceptance and silence, we decided that we would adopt a child. In 2008, we submitted the documents and we were waiting for the certificate and what was to follow. This "pregnancy" is not like the natural one... you know when the act occurs, but you do not know how long the pregnancy, the labor lasts or what to expect... you must have patience, balance, nerves of steel and a lot of faith!
We started 2009 drained of any remaining energy after the last 3-4 hard years that we've been through - my mother had left us recently and if when she was alive we held ourselves stiffly and closed ranks, now we found out what decompensation and chronic exhaustion mean.
We had already submitted the dossier for adoption, but honestly we felt we have no more power to make calls and ask for the children, let alone care for one. We both had the same feeling, so it was not very hard to slowly choose along to take part in positive energy giving experiments, taking a break from all the heavy duties and find ourselves.
We loaded the batteries in the truest way possible, in Maramures and Bucovina, with which we actually felt love. I found there (although it was the first time walking on those lands) peace, tranquility, balance, Deity, love and the well being lost or sought for a long time.
Then, because I have always dreamed about it, we went to a U2 concert. That was again an experience full of revelations, however silly it may seem, but it was. We bathed in the Adriatic See waves and I remember like it was yesterday that I had tears in my eyes due to overflow of ecstasy and I looked to the sky and asked "What’s next, Lord?". We came home full of sunshine in our souls and eyes and full of energy. But with our pockets badly empty. :)
It was late August and I remember that we thought that this year will lead nowhere with the adoption, so we can be young again and party hard and then start over again with the explorations within the country. In a late August evening, the 28th, after our anniversary of 11 years of marriage, we were sitting on the rocking chair outside with a wine glass in our hand, telling stories and memories from the early party.
I get a call to go to check my email and see a photo, just so. (For those unfamiliar with the adoption procedures, following a request sent to any DPC in the country, they send you by email the picture of the child, before deciding whether or not to go see it.) We left in the care of the sky glowing the glasses the table and rushed in the office, to open the mail. And we opened it... and beyond the screen looked at me a face with the nose wrinkled due to the her slick grimace, a gal with very white skin, black hair in pigtails caught with traditional pompons, red little lips and plump little hands, with dimples and some tiny sharp and black as beads eyes. She was like Snow White! A face with a grimace that I had seen somewhere, sometime. In 30 seconds I knew: "Look at this little kitten, she looks just like me when I was little."
I looked at that picture for 10 days until meeting day, up to the smallest detail, but mostly her eyes. I was talking with them every day - I listed the photography and wear it everywhere with me and at any time of the day I was looking at it, I felt the same thing: that I am looking at my daughter, that I know her as old as the hills, that she is in some way tricksy, hoyden, sweet and frolicsome, talkative and cuddly and loving. In the evening when we both gathered at home, we put the photo on the sofa with us and run scenarios about how to care for her, what to teach her and what not to teach her, where to take her to kindergarten, what dresses we would love to dress her with and what sports she would like to do... We actually burned some (many) steps before meeting her, so strong was the feeling for the both. Then we found out that the feeling was as strong for her, although we did not know each other yet. Or maybe…? The puzzle pieces sat down slowly, but surely, each in its place and I loved the coming out image...
The moment to meet her had finally come. I cannot describe in words the emotions we had, I was afraid that I could not master myself. I've been through so many things and I was afraid that I may not mastered myself in front of a child, I, who presented herself as invincible. We drove about 400km, but on the road the panic disappeared and I was covered by tranquility and peace, I was feeling like going to the grandparents to see my child. We went into the house of some warm and hospitable people and the little girl with black eyes was hiding, running beside us, at one moment in the closet, at the other under the table, then in the pantry; at least she could do it, being overwhelmed by emotions, we could not. :)
After the first exploratory minute, everything was gone all around me, us, there were only the three of us there. Now that I look at pictures and remember, I can say that there were, along with us, 11 people in the house, but I could not see nor hear them. I sipped every word of my child and I watched her sending me ogles beneath her long lashes in a timid, yet awe, assessment. We left her some space and time to come to me, to feel me, to caress me, to touch me. She wanted to give me the impression that she doesn’t care about me at all and she knew exactly what to do... I was won already, the target to be achieved and recognized was Daddy. :)
The future dad was sweating heavily as at the hardest job ever done, but his eyes laughed of a happiness never leaved before. I do not know when she said “mother” for the first time, but I remember that she continually told him “my darling” and when we left she told me "I love you!". I had the inspiration to sit on my knees to kiss her, at which point I got hit on the head and stomach by her reaction, I almost fell, I mumbled mostly whispering - " What?". She, sprightly , looked me straight in the eyes, hugged me and fired a right hook flushly and freely, so I feel I am living - "I loooooove you!" And ran into Daddy’s arms! I do not know how we got in the car, I was like numb... I just remember that the social workers were talking to Daddy about the next meeting , to schedule it, I was driving and I found myself talking to myself, I do not know what I was saying, the only thing I know is that my husband asked me if I am ok. The same feeling I had when we left, that my baby is at her grandparents. And despite expectations, I left peaceful that her Grandparents surround her with so much love. I imagined the first meeting in a thousand ways. But never as it went. :)
Our little girl was exactly how we have already known. The hook in the stomach was so powerful and overwhelming that I wanted to cry, but could not. I got stuck for about 3 hours and only when we sat down to eat with the friends who have hosted us, we burst out crying, laughing and crying unconsciously, I looked at my husband and he looked at me and we both knew then that we have become parents! I knew then that I became a mother!
I waited for her for so long and when this gal came, she binds us gagged and makes our ears bow in two words :D
Several meetings were held, for reasons regarding the job, between the last meeting and the custody time (bringing home) have been more than 30 days.
When I found out the date of the process and how much time is left until her taking home, it was as if someone hung a millstone around my neck... my darling did not understand why, if we say we love her, we do not visit her more often (more than 400km) and why she cannot come with us... we talked several times daily on the phone and at the end of each discussion invariably she asked us:
- Tomorrow you will come to me, won’t you?!
It was very hard to keep her interest and attention up and not go into disappointment throughout this span of time. We mimicked on the phone, not mattering who could hear us (usually in the evening everybody was at home), as long as we could hear her laugh and play with us... You know how fun it is to play hide and seek by phone? You have no idea until you try! :D Then the foster mother (who became Granny meanwhile) made her a flower with 30 petals of paper, the number of days left until we meet again and every morning my little girl had to break a flower petal, thus counting on her understanding the time left until we can see each other. It worked, but there were days when she broke a petal in the morning, but also when she woke up after noon sleep...
- But I woke up ... another peeeeeeeeetal has passed! she cried outraged in her voice like a bell :)
Then Granny came up with the idea to put a picture with the three of us next to the flower, picture through which she spoke to us when we missed us and could not hear us.
The closer the deadline, I admit that I was increasingly afraid of the unpredictable. I was afraid that something would happen to one of us and we could no longer go and see her... Yeah, I had taken the road through the weeds already, I know, but I feared of the unknown! For we had promised her we will go after her. We had already prepared her emotionally, psychologically, every way it was humanly possible, and she would have suffered terribly if events beyond our control have prevented us to take her. But fortunately everything was ok! The last 30 days as a single couple have passed imperceptibly... the crazy pace did not give us time to count the moments... just so, the passing hours :)
“H” Day has come, the adoption custody day of the child and the judge invited each family in the courtroom and asked for their agreement: Yes, we are determined to go further. I will always remember that we were 5 families in the hall and on the list of cases we were the last family; we also clearly knew that nobody could be skipped, but yet at every case I thrown myself on feet like raised by a spring from the bench on which we were sitting. I was very impatient. When family 3, 4 were in line, my impatience and emotion became evident and the judge was smiling really wide and I felt somehow like at the council of elders... he must have seen many families, many reactions... but what do I care, I finally went to my child, to take her home!
In a small village between some beautiful hills, our darling was waiting for us impatiently. The court meeting was long, almost too long, my darling was nervous, emotions mingled with impatience, with happiness and questions of a new beginning. We got to her and after a short stay, we filled the car with all her history and we said goodbye to all those who have been there from her early days until we found each other. The hardest moments were when I looked in the eyes of the boy in foster care there, who was practically a brother to her, they grew up together and now he was witness to the completion of a family, but not his family.
One of the reasons this site exists today is this little boy! I asked him then not to be angry on us or on my little darling and strongly believe that one day he will find his mommy! I could talk to him in this way because he was then seven years old and understood what was happening in front of his eyes. I will be very happy when he will find his parents... Very happy!
Returning to our story, our way home was very long and hard. I think every hour, an hour or so, my little darling had vomited, slept and vomited again - from carsick or emotions, we did not know why. The medication given before departure have not worked and filled the towels and clothes with the liquid that contained nothing at a time... I was sweating, thinking that I was unable to help her and to comfort that imbecile car sickness. But as I said above, she has shown us many times what she needs and what to do; it was enough to stop for a while and listen to her.
This was one of the first lessons learned from her: the children tell you a lot, if you have ears to hear them.
My dear girl broke down all the walls diligently built inside me for so many years. She removed everything I considered important and 'empirically' showed me how the world actually works!
-Mommy, mommy you're miiiiiiiiiine! You must color with meeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
And since then she colors out lives every day.
Ador Copiii Association Founder